Thoughts to Consider on Admonition, Exhortation and Reproof

Lev 19:17 You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. NKJV

We need more and better training on how to give and accept admonition, correction and confrontation from each other in the church. It often seems that a person who is criticized, admonished, or corrected by another, especially when convicted of its truth, may become embarrassed that they did not already know it, or feel attacked rather than supported. This unnecessary sense of embarrassment or shame may tempt them to become defensive, not wanting to be wrong; they may react or go to anger toward the other person. This may result in their retaliating by judging the other to be insensitive, unloving, arrogant, judgmental or harsh, even when they were not. In fact the reality is often just the reverse.

How exactly do you act and speak that will ensure the one you are pointing out a fault to, will see you as humble or gentle or caring?  Does anyone ever feel that someone is being humble who is telling him he acted wrongly?? Or telling him some truth he did not know? The mere fact you see something he does not, tends to detract from humility in their perspective.

A person confronted may be in pain. Human nature wants to be out of pain. It hates the one causing the pain; even if that one has been a means of help in the past. How can they in the midst of this be objective about a relative level of humility in the other?  So we may not appear humble to them but we want to be sure we are humble in God eyes. And as gentle as possible in speech and tone to them, as a servant coming from love to them and God. We are seeking for God’s glory to have sin stopped because it offends Him. But we cannot become self-righteous in this. Our anger is not a means of Grace that God uses. Though He may be angered by someone’s sin, we are not to act from anger but love as we reprove.

James 1:20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  NKJV

Prov 22:24 Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go, 25 Lest you learn his ways And set a snare for your soul. NKJV

Prov 29:22 An angry man stirs up strife, And a furious man abounds in transgression.  NKJV

Prov 14:17 A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, NKJV

Prov 16:32 He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.  NKJV

Titus 1:7 For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not. self-willed, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre; (KJV)

We also must be careful not to wrongly judge a person of being arrogant when they are simply very confident. There is a difference between confidence and arrogance, though they may appear similar or sometimes not be distinguishable at first.  We are to do and speak in faith, or not do it.  Romans 14:23 … for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

Titus 2:8 Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.

Matt 12:36-37 But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of  judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.

It often seems that a person who is told something that is right by another is convicted of its truth and embarrassed they did not already know it. This sense of needless embarrassment causes them to label the other as arrogant or not humble. The reality is often just the reverse.

And even if their confidence and faith is strong they  still have indwelling sin and some may show through as arrogance or pride, so what?  We can overlook their fault for the sake of getting instruction and correction. Do we want to wait for help until someone perfect comes along? We will never get help

What is humility?  How exactly is it manifested in actions? Can we prove if someone has it or some of it or none?  Or is it subjective to each onlooker from their biases? It is a matter of degrees anyway not just all or none.  And one, who in general may be humble, could act in a less humble way at one time.

Humility is subjective and relative. It is observed and judged differently by different people, based on their background and maybe their own faults; unlike lying or stealing which is black and white, either it was done or  not and usually can be proven. Humility varies in degrees. It is the lack of something.

To me it is the lack of ego and selfishness. When someone is willing, for the sake of another’s growth to put themselves at risk of attack and retaliation, and does it anyway, takes humility and an attitude of a servant. It is risking your own reputation and being willing to be rejected to do what is right and glorifying to God with the most diligent and careful use of your ability. Yet with recognition of your own weakness depending and relying on the Spirit to work through you and in the other person, trusting the results to God.

How exactly do you act that will ensure the one you are pointing out a fault to, will see you as humble?  Does anyone ever feel that someone is being humble who is telling him he acted  wrongly?? The mere fact you see something he does not, tends to detract from humility before him.

A person confronted is in pain. Human nature wants to be out of pain. It hates the causer of the pain. Even if that one has been a means of help in the past. How can they in the midst of this pain be objective  about a relative level of humility in the other?

Our biblical example of Christ’s humility was not in some gentle sweet way he spoke to children, but it was when he put self aside to read in the Synagogue and proclaim Himself Messiah knowing the reaction He would get. It was when He reproved His disciples or the Pharisees. He was not overly careful not to offend, nor was He when He spoke to the Woman of Tyre who begged, or the Samaritan woman at the well, or the rich young ruler.  It was His laying aside His reputation and being willing to be of no reputation in the eyes of His peers to do what was best for them. It was when He washed the disciple’s feet and to not speak to or call down angels on Pilate or the priests who tried Him. This was humility. To be treated as an outcast and a destroyer of the people, though he was trying to help those same people.

So do not fear that you are not humble enough to do this service. Do not fear you may not do it well or how you may be judged or treated by people, rather fear God and serve Him and uphold His Glory.

Be careful not to be attached to getting a desired result, or winning or being right. This can give rising to your pride, arrogance or anger. It may just appear that way because of your intense passion for them. This is about being a humble servant to them and should be entered into after considerable prayer to God for this person you love enough to do this for.

Here are some scriptures showing Biblical attitudes we should all have regarding reproof:

Prov 28:23 He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward Than he who flatters with the tongue.  NKJV

Why is it that the rebuker finds favor?  Because the wise know it is good and rare and appreciate it, even if not done perfectly. Is this what we find in our congregation? Or do we find the following?

Prov 15:12 A scoffer does not love one who corrects him, Nor will he go to the wise.

Prov 15:10 Harsh discipline is for him who forsakes the way, And he who hates correction will die.

Here is where the pain comes from. How bad does it hurt when you are reproved? Is it grievous? Or do you favor the ones who gives it to you?

Isn’t this amazing. They could get help from the wise and become better and free from their troubles but they won’t go to them; they avoid any meaningful talk with them because they think it may hurt to get help and humble their pride.  Here is where the pain comes from, when we resist the reproof, instead of seeing it as a gift from God and a token of love and care from another.

Ask yourself, do I choose to feel hurt when I am reproved? Does my ego rise and feel bruised, or do

I favor the ones who give it to me and thank God for His fatherly discipline, sending them, so I can be more holy, happy and pleasing to Him?

We all need to find wise people and go to them for counsel and support; not try to do it on our own.

It is so much easier to say nice things and just let the wrong go. To speak a word of correction takes love and faith.  Here is some more wisdom to examine ourselves by.

Prov 25:12 As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear.

Do I have an obeldient ear or rebellious?

Prov 27:5 Open rebuke is better than secret love.

Prov 23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool,

For he will despise the wisdom of your words NKJV

Prov 17:10 Rebuke is more effective for a wise man Than a hundred blows on a fool.

Prov 19:25 Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; Rebuke one who has understanding, and he will discern knowledge. NKJV

Prov 21:16 The man that wanders out of the way of understanding shall remain in the congregation of the dead.

Prov 20:30 Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, As do stripes the inner depths of the heart. NKJV

Prov 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.  NKJV

The picture here is of sparks and heat and chunks flying off as two exhort and admonish each other; that is part of the relationship of true Christian FRIENDS who love each other.

Painful experiences or having our feelings hurt are not so bad that we need to avoid them at all cost.

Prov 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. (KJV)

We must wound each other. There is no way around it. Confronting is unpleasant no matter how gently done or when done by the gentlest of people. Often the one confronting feels the worst in the end. But it must be done, not put off out of selfishness or concern that feelings may get hurt.  God has not told us to be concerned that feelings may get hurt. Yes do it as gentle as you are able. Yes in meekness knowing your own frailties that equally deserve to be admonished. But still do it!!   And those who love more the kisses flattery and approval of others are in a great deception!!

Rom 5:3 And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; NKJV

2 Cor 1:4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God NKJV

That is one good reason we suffer pain so we can comfort others, by having felt God’s comfort of us. So it is good that we experience pain.  Haven’t you ever heard the martyrs who say the comfort is so sweet it is my greatest delight in life to have this pain so that I get to feel the amazing comfort I would not have experienced otherwise? Don’t seek to prevent God’s blessing you with some unpleasantness.

2 Cor 7:4 Great is my boldness of speech toward you, great is my glorying of you: I am filled with comfort, I am exceeding joyful in all our tribulation. (KJV)

1 Pet 1:7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perishes, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

1 Peter 4:12 Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; 13 but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy. 14 If you are reproached for the name of Christ, blessed are you, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. On their part He is blasphemed, but on your part He is glorified. NKJV

Heb 12:11 Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. NKJV

Prov 23:13 Do not withhold correction from a child, For if you beat him with a rod, he will not die. 14 You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell. NKJV

God knows that pain is a way to help His people learn and we need it. He deals with us as a Father.

We need to rejoice in our pain knowing it will do good; not seek to get out of it; and come up with something about the person who brought it to our attention. Why don’t we reprove others?  Only because we are selfish and more concerned with avoiding causing someone or ourselves to have their feelings hurt. But God knows we need our feelings hurt. We need to do it for others (as gently as we individually are able) regardless if it hurts them or us. To do less is selfish and not mortifying sin or self- disciplining ourselves.

Here’s a novel thought. If it’s an area you are already aware of and sensitive about, how about when confronted just say, yes I know I have a weakness there, but thanks for being concerned. Please be patient with me I am not rebelling against God, I struggle with this thing. Please help me with it and be on my side not against me. If you can give me constructive ways to improve please do.

Is this too hard to say?  Isn’t it better to teach people to respond this way? Can you imagine someone trying to hurt or put down one who responded this way? No of course they will not. And the pain is gone from the confrontation. He now takes the relationship to teamwork, even if it was poorly verbalized.  This man will be respected and not looked down upon due to his godly response to reproof. And he will benefit from the Lord who ultimately brought it to him.

Why is this response not done? Only because of a lack of humility in the recipient and a desire to hate pain and reproof and a concern for our reputation in the eyes of others. All which the scriptures above teach are very wrong.  And because we are not being taught how to and shown by example from others. We have come from a dry era and have lost much of our conscience. It is vital that ministers see that we are taught not just what is right, but how to perform that which is good.

Prov 29:1He who is often rebuked, and hardens his neck, Will suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy. NKJV

Apparently God does not feel this lack of proper response to reproof is a light matter to be winked at.

Matt 5:23 Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you,  24 leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. NKJV

The lack of confronting and resolving a matter prevents our worship/service to the Lord. This is not something we can just let go and hope love covers a multitude of sin and excuse it by saying they don’t want to hurt feelings. This is to defy God’s directive.

Gal 6:1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted NKJV

Romans 15:14 And I myself also am persuaded of you, my brethren, that ye also are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge, able also to  admonish one another. (KJV)

Matt 18:15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. NKJV

Are these really only referring to one we have established a real close friendship with. I think not; but even if it was, is this even being done among friends? Remember we are truly brothers and that is an eternal relationship beyond even our temporal relatives on earth.

Scripture is very clear. We clearly need reproof. It may not be fun to give or receive but produces good in us and God’s glory is at stake. It is God’s means of sanctifying the church. Will we rebel against God?  Will we care so little for His glory or that people are sinning against Him or will we begin to properly teach gentle ways to give and receive constructive criticism, and administer discipline in the family of God?

A simple way to teach people to confront gently is to ask it as a question. Brother, it may just be my perspective here but I was wondering if you have ever considered that you …. ?  Have you ever noticed it or have others mentioned it to you?

Or you can say, Would you be open to hearing a suggestion I have for you to consider? I have struggled with … in the past and so I notice it in others. Here are some things that helped me to change or mortify it etc.  Or ask, why is it that you do this.. what is yoru motive or reason… Or it seemed to me like you did or have been doing…. What is really going on..?  Or Correct me if I am wrong but it seems like you …

Or for correction on facts or interpretation say, I understand why that makes sense to you but would you be open to seeing why it makes sense to me to se it this way?  Here are some scriptures to consider, what do you think they mean?

Consider this. If you were caught up in a sin and blind to it, continually offending Christ and His people, wouldn’t you want God to send someone to you to help you see it so you could stop?  If you were struggling with an area of sin and were not getting victory over it and had not mortified it, would you not want God to send a brother or sister to come and support you to get it mortified?  This is the beauty and care God has put in the church for us.

Concern should be taken that people do not get caught up in the common concept that discernment is some prophetic or supernatural ability to read motives and a person’s heart.

We can read no one’s heart, rather discernment is wisdom from years of experience exercising a sound mind in applying and comparing scriptural principals to situations enabling us to make sound judgments concerning the truth.

Heb 5:14 But solid food belongs to those who are of full age, that is, those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

NKJV

Our senses are hearing, seeing, taste, smell, and touch. They are observances; not psychic or supra-human ability.

Note how Strong’s definition of the word and its root puts an emphasis on the mental exercise; not a revealing into hearts.  Also it is still an estimation not an absolute; and made from judicial fact examining, not to be confused with biased judgmental.

Strong’s # 1253 diakrisis (dee-ak’-ree-sis);  from 1252;   judicial estimation:

Strong’s # 1252 diakrino (dee-ak-ree’-no); from 1223 and 2919; to separate thoroughly, i.e. (literally and reflexively) to withdraw from, or (by implication) oppose; figuratively, to discriminate (by implication, decide), or  (reflexively) hesitate:

Strong’s # 2919 krino (kree’-no);  properly, to distinguish, i.e. decide (mentally or

judicially); by implication, to try, condemn, punish:    KJV– avenge, conclude, condemn, damn, decree, determine,  esteem, judge, go to (sue at the) law, ordain, call in question, sentence to, think. (DIC)

Even in 1Cor 12:10 discerning of spirits would be perhaps as debatable as tongues.  Spirits alone is debatable. It can mean breath, human soul, Holy Spirit, or other spirits demons etc. Whether this is the discerning of the Holy Spirit in an act or God versus demon in an act may be hard to know. Then the question as to whether it is part of the other miraculous gifts listed there, that reformed teaching says ended with the writing of scriptures and no longer exists is possible. In context it is likely that it was given to prevent false teachers from bringing heresy into the new developing church before scripture was available to have a standard to compare and discern from the Bible if a teacher or miracle worker was in accord with truth and should be followed.  At best caution should be made that loose cannons do not fly off assuming some gift of absolute certainty or Spirit inspiration of their judgments that they get to know what others can’t!! It is also likely that it is exceptional wisdom in judgment, from extensive study of scripture and intimate communion with Christ, as Solomon had.

Rev. 10/2010